


Learning How To Love

by xLoveMx



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Hugs, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Teahaw, because they are needed, fjorclay, spoilers for episode 106
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:07:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25920328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xLoveMx/pseuds/xLoveMx
Summary: It was strange, how his need for affection and being touched had increased ever since dying. Maybe it was the fundamental need to be held and touched to prove that he was still alive and kicking, and that the darkness couldn’t completely take hold of him.
Relationships: Caduceus Clay/Fjord
Comments: 12
Kudos: 132





	Learning How To Love

**Author's Note:**

> They just both really need a hug.

Fjord had never really been good with affection. It was something he had tried time and time again but having never really received any when growing up it was hard to learn how to ask for it.

For anyone else it seemed to come easy, especially for Jester and Caduceus, and even Yasha and Caleb seemed to be more open to at least giving someone affection, even if they wouldn’t ask for it themselves. With Yasha it probably also helped that Beau was constantly demanding affection from her, and she was happy to comply, but that was another story.

Now that they had gotten rid of Vokodo, and things in the village were slowing down, they all had a moment to breathe, and Fjord wasn’t sure if he liked it. Traveler Con was fast approaching, and whatever Jester decided on doing, it would surely keep them busy again, but until then he’d have to deal with his own intrusive thoughts.

Something he’d been pretty good at avoiding ever since that fateful day on _the Balleater_. It was strange, how his need for affection and being touched had increased ever since dying. Maybe it was the fundamental need to be held and touched to prove that he was still alive and kicking, and that the darkness couldn’t completely take hold of him.

The Wildmother helped with that, too but Fjord would be the first to admit that he still didn’t really have any idea of what he was doing. Caduceus had told him that he was ready, and that he didn’t need him as much, but that wasn’t true. The other man had done so much for him already though, and Fjord couldn’t even begin to think of what he could do in return, so he stuck to himself, and somehow it made things even worse.

“A penny for your thoughts,” Caduceus’ voice pulled him from his thoughts, like it had so many times before, and Fjord tore his eyes away from the flames that Caleb had turned green at the beginning of the night.

“I’m just...processing everything.” It wasn’t even a lie, and Fjord, though he still sometimes got the impulse to lie out of pure instinct, knew that Caduceus would see through it right away anyway.

“It’s been...quite a few days.” He agreed as he stepped up next to Fjord, eyes drifting from the flames over to his friend.

“That’s a nice way to put it,” Fjord chuckled, shaking his head. He had wanted to check in with Caduceus after he had gotten stuck in those puddles, and after he had been charmed, but both times Fjord had been unable to help him, and he hadn’t quite known how to bring it up without feeling embarrassed about it.

“Yeah it was...a lot.” He eventually managed, sneaking a glance at Caduceus, who’s features were soft and warm and somehow, despite everything he’d been through, still kind and inviting. The way his lips curved into a small smile as their eyes met made Fjord’s heart miss a beat and there was a warmth that spread through his chest that was somehow comforting and a little unsettling at the same time. It was welcome, but also reminded him that he seemed to be incapable of doing anything about the affection he craved. Especially affection from Caduceus.

Jester wouldn’t hesitate to hug him whenever she saw fit, but Caduceus would always wait for permission to touch him, unless he was in dire need of healing of course, which might have been the reason he found himself agreeing to letting Beau punch him every now and then, or letting her try out new weapons, because it meant Caduceus would touch him.

Not his best idea, he was well aware of that, but there was nothing else he could do about it, not with his brain refusing to ask for the affection he so clearly craved.

He wondered if Caduceus felt the same way sometimes. He was always rather quiet about what was going on inside of him, and Fjord felt guilty for not asking him about it, mainly because it wasn’t something he dealt with really well. He was getting better at it, surely, but it was another one of those things he had never been taught, in fact he had been taught to keep to himself, and he was still learning to open up to other people. Hell, he was still getting used to having people who truly cared about him.

“You should get some rest. Caleb already put the dome up,” Caduceus pulled him from his thoughts once more, his smile faltering ever so slightly before falling back into place.

“Yeah I’m...just gonna be another minute.” Fjord mumbled, ignoring the way his stomach twisted as Caduceus nodded and turned away. He wasn’t sure what made him do it in the end, maybe it was the exhaustion from the day that finally shut his mind down enough to not overthink, or pure instinct, but he found his hand reaching out, wrapping around his friend’s wrist.

The expression on Caduceus’ face was clear surprise as he found himself being pulled back against Fjord, arms wrapping around him. Fjord’s face was buried against his neck, and he could feel the other man shaking ever so slightly as his hands grabbed a fistful of clothes, holding on tightly.

“I’m sorry.” Fjord found himself whispering, his grip only tightening as if to keep his hands from shaking. Caduceus didn’t seem to mind. His own arms had come up to reciprocate the hug, fingers drawing random patters on Fjord’s back as if to soothe him.

“You never have to apologize with me.” He then replied, “Though I don’t mind the hug,” Fjord, despite himself, was laughing against the other man’s chest, face still buried against Caduceus’ neck, taking in the warmth and the familiar scent he hadn’t even noticed he’d gotten used to.

“I...missed you,” He was well aware that it made no sense, because they hadn’t been apart, not physically at least, but those were the only words that wanted to come out of his mouth at the moment.

“Well, we’re here now.” Caduceus mumbled with a smile, giving Fjord a few more moments before he pulled back a little to look at the other man. Fjord was sniffling in an attempt to somewhat regain his composure, even though it really wasn’t necessary. “Come on, we’ll meditate a little before bed, it’ll help clear your head, and _She_ did help us quite a bit to get the upper hand in this, so it only seems fair to pay our respects.”

“Yeah,” Fjord managed, glancing down at where Caduceus had offered a hand to him. His heart missed another beat as he reached for it, intertwining their fingers. “That...sounds like a good idea,”

“I thought so,” Caduceus chuckled, squeezing the other’s hand ever so slightly as he pulled him away from the fire and Fjord figured that, maybe, with the right person, you didn’t have to ask for affection at all. He had been so used to not receiving any, or having to fight for it, that he hadn’t thought it would be as simple as just offering himself up, because he had never really seen himself as enough.

He’d been worthy enough for the Wildmother to save him though, and maybe he was worthy enough to have Caduceus by his side, too. It wasn’t always going to be that easy to accept, but right now, with the other man’s hand in his, as he was being pulled along to the edge of the village and sat down, Caduceus taking twice as long to set everything up because he simply wouldn’t let go of his hand, Fjord was sure that he was going to be okay.


End file.
